'Twas the Night Before Brexit
Twas the night before Brexit, when all thro' the House
Not an MP was stirring, not even a mouse;
Expense forms completed they'd taken their coats,
And gone back to their homes and to garner more votes.
The Cabinet dreamed they might find, with some glee,
A trade deal or two all wrapped up 'neath the tree.
And May, in best shoes, gave Dave Davis a peep,
As he'd settled his brains for a long winter's sleep—
When out the green benches there rose such a clatter,
That she sprang to her feet to see what was the matter.
And to the Dispatch Box she flew like a flash,
Afraid that some colleague was acting too rash.
It could p'raps be Boris or Damian Green,
But the truth was far stranger than e're she had seen!
A dream it might be, or a gruesome night mare,
A warning perhaps, to take heed, to beware!
For there to her wondering eyes did appear
A strange lumbering sleigh and seven reindeer;
With a slovenly driver, in charge of the carriage,
She knew in a moment 'twas that rogue, Nigel Farage!
Not Santa, but Krampus, was driving that sleigh,
Bringing pain and unhappiness, for Christmas Day!
More slowly than laggards his flunkies they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and call'd them by name:
"Now! Dreamer, now! Duncer, now! Poseur, and Pattie,
"On! Foxer, on! Gover, Rees-Moggie so batty!
To Brussels! To Juncker! to Macron and Barnier,
Dash away! Dash away. Tell them, we'll have our way!
And then we can bask in the Sun's happy headlines,
As we force them to grant us each one of our red lines!"
But Dreamer pranced sadly, as if lost in his thoughts,
For he'd never prepared all those impact reports!
And soon into Brussels the sleigh slowly flew,
With all of their reasons for leaving the EU,
All packed in a sack of falseness and lies,
To hand to the people they loved to despise!
In all but a twinkling, they were up on a roof
And gnawing, ignoring each item of truth.
They pranced and they danced in a woeful disorder,
Demanding, they said, a completely hard border;
Except that in Ireland that could never be seen,
(They said, just to mollify, that little Arlene!)
But yet when they cantered and were turning around,
To the chimney Old Jeremy came with a bound:
He was dress'd all in cord, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnish'd with ashes and soot;
"I've been at the allotment," he said with a smile,
And turned topsy turvey as he slipp'd on a tile.
A bundle of papers was flung on his back,
And he look'd like a peddler just opening his pack:
His eyes—how they twinkled! How on earth could we believe,
That this paragon ever had voted to Leave?
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as grey as the snow;
"You thought I had left you," he said with a grin,
"But I've finally decided we are better off IN!"
"I know that I've left it till almost too late,
But I just could not leave you to such a bad fate!
Europe may be,just a capitalist plan,
But defeating the Tories, then I am your man!"
He had a thin face, and a little tight belly
That shook when he laugh'd, like a bowl full of jelly:
He was meagre and spare, with a griseled old beard,
And yet not the demon that once I had fear'd.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon helped me to know that I'd nothing to dread.
He pulled out a whip and walked up to the sleigh,
And dragged cowering Farage right out of his way.
"Back to Radstock, young Moggie! Begone IDS!
It was reindeer like you that created this mess!
Vamoose old Gover, and Dreamer and Dunce,
I will say this right now and say it just once!
"Britain's better in Europe, you've made a mistake,
If you thought you could win here with news that was fake!
All this time you have wasted, you can all go to Hell!
While these happy Remainers have fun at Noel."
He spoke no more words, but went straight to the sleigh,
Cracked the whip, shouted 'Go!' and they galloped away.
And laying his finger aside of his nose
And giving a nod, from the chimney he rose.
But I heard him exclaim, as he slid down the drain....
"My friends, no more Brexit! We can now ALL Remain!"
In the above parody, I imagined Santa's sleigh driven by Nigel Farage and pulled by a whole bunch of 'loser' reindeers who comprise most of the current Brexit team and their most enthusiastic supporters. I think the idea that the majority of the Brexit team are still under Farage's control is, sadly, quite accurate!
The seven reindeer include Poseur (Boris), Dreamer (Davis, obviously), Foxer (Liam Fox), Froster (Arlene Foster), Ian 'Duncer' Smith, Pattie (Owen Paterson), Gover and one or two others. I was trying to include Theresa Villiers as 'Evilher' but that didn't quite work. I toyed with the idea of Mayhem as Rudolph, but it seemed better to have her as the ineffectual observer of the scene, which is closer to real life!
Quite against my real wishes, Jeremy Corbyn seems to have crept in as the Santa character who makes everything right by dismissing the reindeer and driving them and Farage away, having had a last minute conversion to Remain. (Something that seems to be happening in real life) I would have liked to make this character Vince Cable but not by any stretch of my warped imagination does he fit the Santa role.
I wanted Christmas carols to be sung.... 'Under the Redwood Tree', but I couldn't work out to either fit that in or make some skilful literary reference to Thomas Hardy, so I decided I would stick to the simple doggerel of the original 'ballad'.
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